Tough Love

Love is… at least on some level… emotion….

During stressful times… emotions run high….

During times of danger… accident… sickness… impending significant change in life circumstance such as marriage or divorce… during significant life change such as loss or change of job… death… financial hardship… even being lost trying to find a child’s sporting venue or get to the game or practice on time… human stress levels skyrocket….
Call it adrenaline.

During those times… we tend to fall off of the mountain top… back into our rut…. Our comfort zone….
We tend to want… strongly desire… STRONGLY desire… to do what historically works….
We tend to trust our gut….
If I am a Fixer… I will fix…. Make decisions. Because I trust myself and my decisions.
If I am a Failer… I will fail…. Fall apart. See no solution. Trust nobody. NO body….
Seek to avoid making any decisions. Dig a hole… crawl in… and cover the mouth with dirt… to hide….

That sits up a dirty situation….
A tough love situation….
It’s hard to love someone who is forcing you to do something your gut tells you is inherently dangerous….
Both Fixers and Failers see the other as dangers to their world… or at least world view….
Conflict arises….

The fact that all of these situations are stressful because they ALL have a common thread is not often recognized….
That common thread… is breaking new ground….
Life events are stressful not only because of the gravity of the situation… but also because the events are things with which we have little experience or knowledge dealing… and because they drag us kinking and screaming out of our safe little comfort zone….

Word…. No one deals with new situations well….

Obviously… if the crisis involves health issues… people who work in the healthcare field will have more knowledge and training and understanding… and understand the lingoistic jargon… and feel more comfortable in those situations…. If the crisis is financial… then financial and business people will feel more comfortable…. In any crisis people with leadership experience… or who consider themselves leaders will step up…. And in ALL crises… people who step up… are going to step on other people’s toes….
And become tough to love….

In a crisis… EVERYONE is trying to do what they think is best…. Safest….
At least for them…. If they have anxiety or depression or other issues that impair decision making… such as being taught not to trust doctors or government or other races or cultures… those issues will be amplified in a crisis… making good decision-making MUCH more difficult… because of fear and lack of trust….
Of course… that amplifies the stress level… and significantly increases the risks… elevates the danger level… and makes the situation explosive….
That… of course… makes loving even tougher….

The size of the crisis is immaterial….
Microcrisis….
Personal crisis….
Marital crisis….
Family crisis….
City-wide crisis….
Train-wreck….
Not liking the Christmas present we received….
Getting the order wrong at the drive-up window at McDonald’s….
Getting lost going to travel team game….

Of course… this brings up expectations….
Inappropriate expectations….
Responding inappropriately to not having our expectations met….
And that… brings us back to tough love….
FEELING like we are unloved… or insufficiently loved… because our expectations are not met… sufficiently… or… in reality… to our satisfaction….
Our elevated expectations… that we use as a test… of those we love… or want to love….

Setting up inappropriate expectations… is setting up people to fail… us….
That’s LOOKING for tough love….
That’s not treating others respectfully…. As WE want to be treated….
That’s not just inappropriate expectations…. That is inappropriate. Period….

Yet… we all do it….
And… while we may recognize when it is done to us… recognizing our own inappropriate actions is far more difficult….

Sometimes… when we are feeling frustrated… and our passive aggressive ploys are not working fast enough… we Christians may feel compelled to go on the offensive….
Attack someone who is not meeting our inappropriate expectations immediately with the most powerful weapon we thing we have….
Something that is unimpeachable….
Love….
Or… Forgiveness….
“I love you….”
“I forgive you….”
Give me what I want… NOW!!!
Telling someone you love them… when you are really just trying to find some way to manipulate them… is really underhanded….
Telling someone that you forgive them… out of the blue… when they are not acquiescing to your demands… is nothing less than a blatant attack… camouflaged to hide it’s true nature….
Saying something live: “My religion demands that I forgive you….” really means… “I don’t forgive you. I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t value you as a person. GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND DO IT NOW!!!”
If you really forgive… shut up and act contrite….
If you really love… demonstrate that through your actions…. Because if you demonstrate love and forgiveness through your actions… then the people you love will eventually come to recognize that….
And if you do not demonstrate love and forgiveness in your actions… then other people will recognize very quickly that you are nothing but a hypocrite….

What I’m saying…. Seek the right thing…. Then DO THE RIGHT THING!!!
Whatever the personal risks…. Whatever the inconvenience…. Whatever the pain…. DO THE RIGHT THING!!!

What I’m not saying….
Give in….

Tough Love requires intestinal fortitude, but also confidence….
Set your expectations appropriately….
You will NOT be rewarded….
You will NOT be appreciated….
You will NOT be thanked….
You WILL be ridiculed… threatened… castigated… treated shamefully… and without love….
ALL that you will get out of acting in Tough Love towards those you love… is the knowledge that you did the right thing….
So… understand that…. Steel yourself for the battle…. And… DO THE RIGHT THING!!!
Then… accept the consequences….
Your reward will very likely not be here on Earth….

Also… be constantly vigilant….
Look at your choices from outside yourself… and judge your actions with somber judgment….
Pray. And believe in the answer….